The A
Shooting in the A
Two left dead, many wounded
Owings Mills calls me
Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
The most Powerful Toilet in the World
No, this does not involve any actual feces. I was at Lauren Katz's apartment shortly after drinking a large bottle of that Safeway Select brand flavored carbonated water (wild cherry). Subsequently, I had to pee almost immediately upon arrival. I was admiring her little bathroom space and the variety of soaps and scrubs. I flushed the toilet and promptly began to wash my hands. Then I turned, ungracefully as ever, and knocked a large stick of Old Spice High Endurance deodorant into the swirling toilet waters. I sort of froze and watched it ride the wave round and round. I didn't want to stick my hand in with the stewing urine water, even though it was my own urine, and it was almost definitely pure wild cherry. I thought I could wait it out, there was NO way that stick of deodorant was going anywhere.
But then, the unthinkable occurred. The deodorant was completely swallowed by the toilet. It was sucked away to the mysterious place reserved for poo, wads of TP, tampons, and the occasional dead goldfish. I gasped and fell to the rug in shock. My toilet would NEVER manage this feat. The display of power... this was the little toilet that could. So now, all we can do is wait. Wait for something to happen. What do we do???? HELP
--post script--
After this insanity went down, I left Lauren's and her full bladder as she and Desmond awaited the arrival of the maintenance man. Apparently when the maintenance man came he spent a large amount of time trying to get the deodorant out, unsuccessfully. As a last resort, he had to manually take the toilet seat off the floor and shake it around to dislodge the old spice. Lauren recounted the episode to me as she prepared to mop the floor of her wrecked and smelly bathroom.
I AM SO SORRY LAUREN & DES
-Danielle
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Family Photos
The past of Owings Mills is certainly one of diverse origins, bloody wars, and long standing peace treaties. Much of the actual history has been lost and subsequently replaced by outrageous fictions including the presence of an actual Mill owned by a man of the surname Owings.
The town was originally a hideout for a rag tag team of outlaw pro-wrestlers, known for their violent ways. The wrestlers were also known for fighting amongst themselves in brutal civil wars highlighted by chair throwing and flamboyant spandex uniforms. The leader of the pack, shown below, led his bloodthirsty gang of men on a number of savage shopping sprees through the local Mall, which would eventually become a local hot spot during the times of peace and would later return to its original state of chaos, shootings and cheap department stores when the Third Treaty of Suburbia was broken in 2002.
The Third Treaty of Surburbia was signed in 1988, two years after the Mall opened in '86, when Chief Jay Strongbow and self-proclaimed "Mall Maniac" Ivan Putski decided that the Mall should no longer be a place for battles to be fought, but a place where a man could shop in his underwear or full Native-American headdress without the threat of being caught by the Asian Mist, or a Moonsault. The two are shown below following the final signing ceremonies. 
The term "Owings Mills" originated from a super secret wrestling move developed by Gorilla Monsoon, the appointed treasurer and policeman of the original gang. The move was first called "Owing Bills" because it was used by Gorilla to extract monies from people who chose to live under the protection and rule of the Chief and his cronies.
Eventually Treasurer/Policeman Monsoon would appoint debt collectors, the infamous masked duo, The Executioners, who had a difficult time saying making the "B" sound while wearing their masks. Hence the birth of the now used "Owings Mills."
The town saw a change for the better when the much beloved Bruno returned from his journeys abroad and took over as Mayor of Owings Mills. His glistening chest hair was a source of pride for the townsfolk and his friendly demeanor and diplomatic leanings helped to win him much approval from the other wrestlers.
However, it was not all smooth sailing for Bruno, or the entire pro-wresting community. In 1997, Fred Blassie assembled a party of men to oppose Bruno, and this action started the War to end all Wars.
Within two fortnights time, Owings Mills saw the end of pro-wrestling control, as all the wrestlers killed each other off in a veritable blood bath of faked blows and baby oil. All records were destroyed in a fire started by Scandor Akbar in a botched attempt to assassinate Bruno by secretly replacing his hair dryer with a blow torch.
The ghosts of the pro-wrestlers still lurk around the Mall, and though relatively little is known about the details of the final days of the wrestlers of Owings Mills, their growls can be heard on every second fortnight of the full moon.
The town was originally a hideout for a rag tag team of outlaw pro-wrestlers, known for their violent ways. The wrestlers were also known for fighting amongst themselves in brutal civil wars highlighted by chair throwing and flamboyant spandex uniforms. The leader of the pack, shown below, led his bloodthirsty gang of men on a number of savage shopping sprees through the local Mall, which would eventually become a local hot spot during the times of peace and would later return to its original state of chaos, shootings and cheap department stores when the Third Treaty of Suburbia was broken in 2002.
The Third Treaty of Surburbia was signed in 1988, two years after the Mall opened in '86, when Chief Jay Strongbow and self-proclaimed "Mall Maniac" Ivan Putski decided that the Mall should no longer be a place for battles to be fought, but a place where a man could shop in his underwear or full Native-American headdress without the threat of being caught by the Asian Mist, or a Moonsault. The two are shown below following the final signing ceremonies. 
The term "Owings Mills" originated from a super secret wrestling move developed by Gorilla Monsoon, the appointed treasurer and policeman of the original gang. The move was first called "Owing Bills" because it was used by Gorilla to extract monies from people who chose to live under the protection and rule of the Chief and his cronies.
Eventually Treasurer/Policeman Monsoon would appoint debt collectors, the infamous masked duo, The Executioners, who had a difficult time saying making the "B" sound while wearing their masks. Hence the birth of the now used "Owings Mills."
The town saw a change for the better when the much beloved Bruno returned from his journeys abroad and took over as Mayor of Owings Mills. His glistening chest hair was a source of pride for the townsfolk and his friendly demeanor and diplomatic leanings helped to win him much approval from the other wrestlers.
However, it was not all smooth sailing for Bruno, or the entire pro-wresting community. In 1997, Fred Blassie assembled a party of men to oppose Bruno, and this action started the War to end all Wars.
Within two fortnights time, Owings Mills saw the end of pro-wrestling control, as all the wrestlers killed each other off in a veritable blood bath of faked blows and baby oil. All records were destroyed in a fire started by Scandor Akbar in a botched attempt to assassinate Bruno by secretly replacing his hair dryer with a blow torch.The ghosts of the pro-wrestlers still lurk around the Mall, and though relatively little is known about the details of the final days of the wrestlers of Owings Mills, their growls can be heard on every second fortnight of the full moon.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Owings Mills
It seems like a nice place. I've only been there once. A nice place to have a dog, you know? Speaking of which, does anyone want a dog?
Thursday, April 19, 2007
jakes feelings on identity
Larva601: http://owingsmills.blogspot.com/
Larva601: hey loser
Larva601: check out ownings mills
cooldog195: i am owings mills
Larva601: hey loser
Larva601: check out ownings mills
cooldog195: i am owings mills
the sweetheart cup factory eats becca lieman alive, and other stories by n. e. basik
i recently had the good fortune of performing a google search for owings mills, MD. no quotation marks. 390,000+ hits, nothing that captured the sheer fortitude of this census-designated area. my dearth of research did lead me to discover that the sweetheart cup factory was recently acquired by solo cups (the red ones only) and that there are fifteen registered sex offenders in owings mills. this blog is dedicated to the land which my parents' generation saw as only a dream, made into a reality with the addition of a mall in 1986. seriously, my dad used to think the KKK practiced their witchcraft in owings mills. put bluntly, this blog is about celebrating our manifest destiny. stay tuned.
becca's intro...is better than melissa's.
owings mills is a little known spot in the universe. that however is about to change. melissa and i believe that owings mills is up and coming. the new brooklyn if you will. it is known to some as all the way the fuck out there in bum fuck and to others (those in the know) the city which baltimore is a suburb of. there are many things that make owings mills special. we strive through this blog to celebrate the beauty and compelxity of owings mills and make it more available to others. if you have anything to contribute forget it. just kidding. post whatever you want, sucka!
the blog to end all blogs
here it is. finally! right?
when god created the universe he he left a small space in it for a blog about owings mills. and here we are, to fulfill his wishes.
we'd like to use this space to advance the world in its conception of art, war, love, and food. through the lens of owings mills we intend to show you what living is all about. we're moving in a direction of perfection. here at "owings mills is the new brooklyn" we're all about saving the world through blogging. is there another way?? so don't hold back, indulge us with your tales of glory and your pictures of the good times in owings mills.
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