Saturday, December 8, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Sadly, this post has little to do with Owings Mills: Zoo Undercover
My new job is in Northern Virginia - a far cry from the lush jewiness of Owings Mills. Anyway, my very first project involves work at the National Zoological Park located in Washington, DC, which is also not Owings Mills. The actual work I am doing is fairly inconsequential and too boring and nerdy to discuss, but my adventures behind the scenes at the zoo are something worthy of documentation. Owings Mills does not have a zoo, and so perhaps my recording the events that have occurred at the National Zoo can serve as a starting point for the future Zoo of Owings Mills (we can even call it Z.O.O.M.!).
While the average zoo-goer merely treks the path of the "public way" (to put it in engineering terms?), my job required me to see the zoo buildings in their entirety. This means I go to the back of the cages! Up close and personal with all kinds of animals ... and their fecal matter.
The Great Ape House - Home to Orangutans and Gorillas
1. 50% of the zoo keeper's day is spent hosing great ape shit out of cages.
2. October is "Primate Fecal Month"! There was actually a poster about it hung up on the bulletin board right next to Great Ape birth control dosages and schedules. Weird.
3. Orangutans like to fling their poop at you and spit at you if you get too close. They think this is hilarious, and as long as I am not the target, I think it is hilarious too.
4. Gorillas are surprisingly cute. They are also surprisingly scary when they throw themselves against their cages as you walk by.
5. Orangutans are not ashamed to have sex RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU and your boss and young children! Let me explain in a little more detail. There were 3 of them in a cage: A small female, a large female and a male of medium size. The small female was playing with a sheet for some reason, she was being super cute and covering her head, being a ghost and playing peek-a-boo with the zoo keeper lady. The male kept trying to steal the sheet from her. The larger female approached the front of the cage to see what was going on and suddenly the male pushed the her over and started to root around in her nether-regions. The zoo keeper informed us that we "might get to see copulation." As if on cue, the male started to hump the female, who was pretty indifferent (she was on birth control, so she didn't have to worry about getting knocked up I guess). The male finally managed to snatch the sheet from the smaller female (MID COPULATION!) who was sitting nearby and covered himself and his partner so they could have some privacy. This all happened while I was with my coworkers and other work people. We all watched, rapt, and then we laughed and laughed.
Panda House!!!
I love pandas and think that they should breed mini-pandas so we can all have them as pets. I think we should convert the regular forests of Owings Mills to bamboo (invasive species! Easy!) to try to lure the pandas back...
Case in point: Panda poop!!
Panda poop is odorless and tidy!
We walked into the panda cage shortly after it had left, and there were these yam-looking panda turds on the ground.
"Oooh! AAah!" We cried just as our zoo keeper guide thrust her BARE HAND into the poo, breaking the neat little turd in half!!
I was basically in shock. She was just going for it, balls out, no holding back - HAND IN SHIT.
But then she showed us that it is ALL bamboo because that is aLL they eat and they can't even digest it properly. Essentially, panda poo is a shredded bamboo nugget that doesn't have any odor. Although zoo keepers spend lots of time hosing out panda waste, it is more adorable, don't you think?
Also, it is very unlikely that pandas will have dirty gross dirty sex in front of you, so I judge them to be a million times better than the apes. The Great Apes can have October for their fecal matter, but Pandas can have my heart all year long.
The Lion and Tiger House
Again, hosing shit out of cages constitutes 50% of the day in the lion and tiger house.
These guys are really amazing up close. You don't get to really see them as a regular visitor because they are down in that mote. But we got to get right up in their faces!! They appear to be seriously cute and cuddly, but then they also want to rip your face off... so... yeah... no cuddles for you.
The lions they have are pretty cool. According to zoo keeper they have problems with inbreeding a lot so as a result, some of their lions are, to put it lightly, demented. Demented Lions! Anyway, this one demented lion was so crazy that she smashed all her teeth against the cage until they basically had to take all her teeth out. A demented lion with no teeth! This is starting to sound like a mental ward. The young male lion had just discovered that he could aim his peepee to mark his territory. The zoo keeper explained to us that he had spent the whole morning spraying his urine all over the area we were standing on. And the reason that his mane looked so crazy and spiked was because he had rolled around in his piss. Awesome!
The tigers were SO cute, nothing too eventful there, but CUTE OVERLOAD!
If only all these big animals were slightly smaller (ie more manageable) and less vicious... hmm. I guess that means house cats. Bleh.
In conclusion, I want a zoo full of cute miniature creatures that use a toilet and clean up after themselves for the Zoo of Owings Mills. Let's get on that, Ok?
While the average zoo-goer merely treks the path of the "public way" (to put it in engineering terms?), my job required me to see the zoo buildings in their entirety. This means I go to the back of the cages! Up close and personal with all kinds of animals ... and their fecal matter.
The Great Ape House - Home to Orangutans and Gorillas
1. 50% of the zoo keeper's day is spent hosing great ape shit out of cages.
2. October is "Primate Fecal Month"! There was actually a poster about it hung up on the bulletin board right next to Great Ape birth control dosages and schedules. Weird.
3. Orangutans like to fling their poop at you and spit at you if you get too close. They think this is hilarious, and as long as I am not the target, I think it is hilarious too.
4. Gorillas are surprisingly cute. They are also surprisingly scary when they throw themselves against their cages as you walk by.
5. Orangutans are not ashamed to have sex RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU and your boss and young children! Let me explain in a little more detail. There were 3 of them in a cage: A small female, a large female and a male of medium size. The small female was playing with a sheet for some reason, she was being super cute and covering her head, being a ghost and playing peek-a-boo with the zoo keeper lady. The male kept trying to steal the sheet from her. The larger female approached the front of the cage to see what was going on and suddenly the male pushed the her over and started to root around in her nether-regions. The zoo keeper informed us that we "might get to see copulation." As if on cue, the male started to hump the female, who was pretty indifferent (she was on birth control, so she didn't have to worry about getting knocked up I guess). The male finally managed to snatch the sheet from the smaller female (MID COPULATION!) who was sitting nearby and covered himself and his partner so they could have some privacy. This all happened while I was with my coworkers and other work people. We all watched, rapt, and then we laughed and laughed.
Panda House!!!
I love pandas and think that they should breed mini-pandas so we can all have them as pets. I think we should convert the regular forests of Owings Mills to bamboo (invasive species! Easy!) to try to lure the pandas back...
Case in point: Panda poop!!
Panda poop is odorless and tidy!
We walked into the panda cage shortly after it had left, and there were these yam-looking panda turds on the ground.
"Oooh! AAah!" We cried just as our zoo keeper guide thrust her BARE HAND into the poo, breaking the neat little turd in half!!
I was basically in shock. She was just going for it, balls out, no holding back - HAND IN SHIT.
But then she showed us that it is ALL bamboo because that is aLL they eat and they can't even digest it properly. Essentially, panda poo is a shredded bamboo nugget that doesn't have any odor. Although zoo keepers spend lots of time hosing out panda waste, it is more adorable, don't you think?
Also, it is very unlikely that pandas will have dirty gross dirty sex in front of you, so I judge them to be a million times better than the apes. The Great Apes can have October for their fecal matter, but Pandas can have my heart all year long.
The Lion and Tiger House
Again, hosing shit out of cages constitutes 50% of the day in the lion and tiger house.
These guys are really amazing up close. You don't get to really see them as a regular visitor because they are down in that mote. But we got to get right up in their faces!! They appear to be seriously cute and cuddly, but then they also want to rip your face off... so... yeah... no cuddles for you.
The lions they have are pretty cool. According to zoo keeper they have problems with inbreeding a lot so as a result, some of their lions are, to put it lightly, demented. Demented Lions! Anyway, this one demented lion was so crazy that she smashed all her teeth against the cage until they basically had to take all her teeth out. A demented lion with no teeth! This is starting to sound like a mental ward. The young male lion had just discovered that he could aim his peepee to mark his territory. The zoo keeper explained to us that he had spent the whole morning spraying his urine all over the area we were standing on. And the reason that his mane looked so crazy and spiked was because he had rolled around in his piss. Awesome!
The tigers were SO cute, nothing too eventful there, but CUTE OVERLOAD!
If only all these big animals were slightly smaller (ie more manageable) and less vicious... hmm. I guess that means house cats. Bleh.
In conclusion, I want a zoo full of cute miniature creatures that use a toilet and clean up after themselves for the Zoo of Owings Mills. Let's get on that, Ok?
Monday, April 30, 2007
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
The most Powerful Toilet in the World
No, this does not involve any actual feces. I was at Lauren Katz's apartment shortly after drinking a large bottle of that Safeway Select brand flavored carbonated water (wild cherry). Subsequently, I had to pee almost immediately upon arrival. I was admiring her little bathroom space and the variety of soaps and scrubs. I flushed the toilet and promptly began to wash my hands. Then I turned, ungracefully as ever, and knocked a large stick of Old Spice High Endurance deodorant into the swirling toilet waters. I sort of froze and watched it ride the wave round and round. I didn't want to stick my hand in with the stewing urine water, even though it was my own urine, and it was almost definitely pure wild cherry. I thought I could wait it out, there was NO way that stick of deodorant was going anywhere.
But then, the unthinkable occurred. The deodorant was completely swallowed by the toilet. It was sucked away to the mysterious place reserved for poo, wads of TP, tampons, and the occasional dead goldfish. I gasped and fell to the rug in shock. My toilet would NEVER manage this feat. The display of power... this was the little toilet that could. So now, all we can do is wait. Wait for something to happen. What do we do???? HELP
--post script--
After this insanity went down, I left Lauren's and her full bladder as she and Desmond awaited the arrival of the maintenance man. Apparently when the maintenance man came he spent a large amount of time trying to get the deodorant out, unsuccessfully. As a last resort, he had to manually take the toilet seat off the floor and shake it around to dislodge the old spice. Lauren recounted the episode to me as she prepared to mop the floor of her wrecked and smelly bathroom.
I AM SO SORRY LAUREN & DES
-Danielle
Monday, April 23, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Family Photos
The past of Owings Mills is certainly one of diverse origins, bloody wars, and long standing peace treaties. Much of the actual history has been lost and subsequently replaced by outrageous fictions including the presence of an actual Mill owned by a man of the surname Owings.
The town was originally a hideout for a rag tag team of outlaw pro-wrestlers, known for their violent ways. The wrestlers were also known for fighting amongst themselves in brutal civil wars highlighted by chair throwing and flamboyant spandex uniforms. The leader of the pack, shown below, led his bloodthirsty gang of men on a number of savage shopping sprees through the local Mall, which would eventually become a local hot spot during the times of peace and would later return to its original state of chaos, shootings and cheap department stores when the Third Treaty of Suburbia was broken in 2002.
The Third Treaty of Surburbia was signed in 1988, two years after the Mall opened in '86, when Chief Jay Strongbow and self-proclaimed "Mall Maniac" Ivan Putski decided that the Mall should no longer be a place for battles to be fought, but a place where a man could shop in his underwear or full Native-American headdress without the threat of being caught by the Asian Mist, or a Moonsault. The two are shown below following the final signing ceremonies. 
The term "Owings Mills" originated from a super secret wrestling move developed by Gorilla Monsoon, the appointed treasurer and policeman of the original gang. The move was first called "Owing Bills" because it was used by Gorilla to extract monies from people who chose to live under the protection and rule of the Chief and his cronies.
Eventually Treasurer/Policeman Monsoon would appoint debt collectors, the infamous masked duo, The Executioners, who had a difficult time saying making the "B" sound while wearing their masks. Hence the birth of the now used "Owings Mills."
The town saw a change for the better when the much beloved Bruno returned from his journeys abroad and took over as Mayor of Owings Mills. His glistening chest hair was a source of pride for the townsfolk and his friendly demeanor and diplomatic leanings helped to win him much approval from the other wrestlers.
However, it was not all smooth sailing for Bruno, or the entire pro-wresting community. In 1997, Fred Blassie assembled a party of men to oppose Bruno, and this action started the War to end all Wars.
Within two fortnights time, Owings Mills saw the end of pro-wrestling control, as all the wrestlers killed each other off in a veritable blood bath of faked blows and baby oil. All records were destroyed in a fire started by Scandor Akbar in a botched attempt to assassinate Bruno by secretly replacing his hair dryer with a blow torch.
The ghosts of the pro-wrestlers still lurk around the Mall, and though relatively little is known about the details of the final days of the wrestlers of Owings Mills, their growls can be heard on every second fortnight of the full moon.
The town was originally a hideout for a rag tag team of outlaw pro-wrestlers, known for their violent ways. The wrestlers were also known for fighting amongst themselves in brutal civil wars highlighted by chair throwing and flamboyant spandex uniforms. The leader of the pack, shown below, led his bloodthirsty gang of men on a number of savage shopping sprees through the local Mall, which would eventually become a local hot spot during the times of peace and would later return to its original state of chaos, shootings and cheap department stores when the Third Treaty of Suburbia was broken in 2002.
The Third Treaty of Surburbia was signed in 1988, two years after the Mall opened in '86, when Chief Jay Strongbow and self-proclaimed "Mall Maniac" Ivan Putski decided that the Mall should no longer be a place for battles to be fought, but a place where a man could shop in his underwear or full Native-American headdress without the threat of being caught by the Asian Mist, or a Moonsault. The two are shown below following the final signing ceremonies. 
The term "Owings Mills" originated from a super secret wrestling move developed by Gorilla Monsoon, the appointed treasurer and policeman of the original gang. The move was first called "Owing Bills" because it was used by Gorilla to extract monies from people who chose to live under the protection and rule of the Chief and his cronies.
Eventually Treasurer/Policeman Monsoon would appoint debt collectors, the infamous masked duo, The Executioners, who had a difficult time saying making the "B" sound while wearing their masks. Hence the birth of the now used "Owings Mills."
The town saw a change for the better when the much beloved Bruno returned from his journeys abroad and took over as Mayor of Owings Mills. His glistening chest hair was a source of pride for the townsfolk and his friendly demeanor and diplomatic leanings helped to win him much approval from the other wrestlers.
However, it was not all smooth sailing for Bruno, or the entire pro-wresting community. In 1997, Fred Blassie assembled a party of men to oppose Bruno, and this action started the War to end all Wars.
Within two fortnights time, Owings Mills saw the end of pro-wrestling control, as all the wrestlers killed each other off in a veritable blood bath of faked blows and baby oil. All records were destroyed in a fire started by Scandor Akbar in a botched attempt to assassinate Bruno by secretly replacing his hair dryer with a blow torch.The ghosts of the pro-wrestlers still lurk around the Mall, and though relatively little is known about the details of the final days of the wrestlers of Owings Mills, their growls can be heard on every second fortnight of the full moon.
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